I try to keep this blog pretty positive, I like to focus on the good memories, but today, I want to get real. Kids, you will all face adversity in your life. We all do. Life is hard, life is messy, but there is purpose in adversity. Here are some of the struggles I've had lately...
I turned 48 last month, and only took one picture...
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| Holly made me an absolutely delicious German chocolate cake! |
I guess I've been in a funk for the last few months and just didn't feel any desire to document it. I feel exhausted, worn down. If you didn't know, I've been dealing with anxiety and depression over the last 4 years. I was in a very dark place for awhile, but finally humbled myself and made an appointment with my doctor. He prescribed medication, and it seems to help, it definitely helps, but I still struggle to get out of bed some days, and have no desire to interact with people. I just want to stay home in comfy clothes and not have to face the world.
About 3 years ago, as I started to immerge from the dark place I was in, I found out that Holly had also been struggling with anxiety and depression to the point that she had started self-harming (cutting). She was dealing with suicidality and it was scary. She was being bullied at school, but didn't really want to talk about it with me, so we sought medical help and counseling. It didn't help. She didn't want to take medication, and didn't like the counselors. I worried almost daily for a time that each day might be her last. Occasionally, I would wake up in the middle of the night, with a feeling to check on her, terrified that she had taken her life. On days, when she slept in, I would open the door to her room, just hoping and praying she was still breathing. We pulled her out of public school and she seemed to thrive in online school. She was incredibly responsible and was able to finish her school work in a fraction of the time she would have spent at school. It gave her time to develop new talents. She taught herself to play the ukulele and guitar, among other instruments. She started drawing pets and was commissioned for several projects, she was also swimming every day, but still wasn't doing well emotionally. Desperate to be able to get her some help, I prayed to be able to find a counselor she would relate to. As I looked through the internet and read a thousand reviews on different counselors, I came across a picture of one. His eyes pierced my soul, and I felt he was the one so I scheduled an appointment. She loved him! I felt so much relief knowing that she had someone to talk to, that she didn't have to hold everything inside anymore.
We've also had a lot of financial uncertainty. For years, Ben's pay checks have been inconsistent. Once we went 6 months without pay. Month after month, we were told by Ben's employer that they would catch up on all the back pay they owed us, but it never seemed to come. At one point, we had cashed out my 401k and Ben's IRA to pay the bills. In November, a few years ago, we only had enough in our savings account for one more mortgage payment. If we didn't get paid the next month, we didn't know how we would pay our bills, or buy Christmas presents for the kids. Fortunately, some money did come in that month and we made it through, but financial instability has plagued us, basically our entire marriage. That next year, Ben took on 3 additional jobs to pay the bills, but it was not sustainable, so I took over one of the jobs. It was nice to have some income we could rely on, but I had to fight my anxiety every day to do my job. In December last year, a great company reached out to see if Ben wanted to interview for a really good job. I was so excited, it would mean financial stability. After several interviews, he was still being considered. I felt confident he would get the job. Then in January, Ben's boss told him that he would only be able to pay him half salary for the next few months. I thought the job Ben was interviewing for would be our saving grace, but it wasn't. He didn’t get the job. Ugh.
Physical pain has been another challenge for me. In 2015, I tore my rotator cuff and had shoulder surgery. This took me out of my workout routine, which had been one of the parts of my life I really enjoyed. Then, in July of 2016, my hip started hurting. I tried rest, physical therapy 3 times, dry needling, and had a few injections, but nothing helped much. Every year it's gotten worse. Now, I find myself limping after just a short walk. The doctor says I might need a hip replacement, but I'm trying to hold that off for as long as possible. Because I haven't been able exercise like I want, my body image has definitely taken a nosedive. What used to be perky and toned, isn't quite the same anymore. Blah.
One of the most frustrating things we've dealt with over the past 11 years has been Ben's ex wife. While we've been dealing with financial difficulties, she's been living it up (thanks to her millionaire husband). Yet, she still harasses us for more money. Last year she filed a motion for more child support. We ended up having to spend thousands of dollars to fight the motion. Luckily we won, but I have never been so disgusted by someone in my life. I cannot wait until we don't have to deal wIith her anymore. I could go on and on about all of the ridiculous stuff we've been through with her, but I'm trying to find a way to forgive her, so I won't go into details. Sometimes I get to a point where I feel at peace with things, but it seems that within days she does the next dumb thing, bringing back a reminder of all the previous things she's done. I'm tired of it. I can't stand being in the same room with her. We thought moving across the lake would be far enough, but we may need to cross an ocean. Heaven help me to forgive.
So how do we deal with adversity? A couple weeks ago, I was asked to speak in church about how we can trust the Lord when facing adversity. This is the talk I felt to share...
The topic I was asked to speak on today is, How can we trust in the Lord when faced with adversity. These are the thoughts that came to my mind and heart as I was preparing…
In October General Conference 2018 President Eyring gave a talk entitled Try Try Try. In his talk he said, “Many years ago, I was first counselor to a district president in the eastern United States. More than once, as we were driving to our little branches, he said to me, “Hal, when you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.” Not only was he right, but I have learned over the years that he was too low in his estimate.”
According to President Eyring, in this meeting today, more than half of us are in serious trouble. I believe it.
I want to take a few minutes to get real and acknowledge and recognize some of the adversity people in this very room are facing right now or have been through:
I know of individuals who are dealing with the heartbreaking death of a child, spouse, brother, sister, mom, dad or close friend. Who miss them everyday and long to hear their voice and see them again.
I know of individuals who are struggling to get out of bed every day due to the paralyzing effects of anxiety and depression. People who want so badly to feel normal, to feel happiness and joy, but who can’t seem to come out from under a dark cloud. For some it has been so difficult that they contemplate ending their life.
I know of individuals who so badly want to have children, who have dreamed of having children all of their lives but haven’t yet had the opportunity to hold a precious newborn in their arms. It can be torturous seeing everyone around them conceiving while their hopes and dreams are left unfulfilled.
There are some who are patiently waiting to adopt a child they are wanting and willing to welcome into their home and into their loving arms.
I know of some whose lives have been turned upside down due to the unfaithfulness of a spouse. Leaving them with deep wounds, and broken hearts that don’t seem like they will ever heal.
I know of individuals who are struggling in their marriage.
Or those who have been through divorce who wonder how they will possibly be able to provide all the love and care that their children need as a single parent.
Or a divorced father or mother who want to be able to see their children more often, but are denied that privilege.
Or a single adult who wants to marry, who feels lonely and longs for companionship.
I know of parents who diligently and faithfully teach their children the gospel. Who do all the right things, the daily scripture study, the family home evenings, the family prayers, Come Follow Me, and still their children choose to walk away from the covenant path. It can be devastating for a parent.
Or parents raising children with special needs, children who face lifelong illness. Children who are bullied or don’t seem to fit in with anyone. Children who hate going to school. Children who struggle to learn, or sit alone at lunch or walk around alone during recess. Just being a parent can be heart wrenching, exhausting and overwhelming.
I know of individuals who have struggled for years with same gender attraction. Who have felt too scared, or ashamed to tell anyone how they feel. Who have kept it all inside and have prayed for those feelings to go away to no avail. And their family members and friends who are trying to figure out how to help them navigate such a difficult trial.
I know of individuals who are facing financial difficulties, who have been through job loss after job loss. Who are in a constant state of worry about when the next paycheck will be coming, how they will pay the mortgage, or pay their bills or if they will have money to buy gifts for their children at Christmas.
I know of some who are unhappy in their employment, who struggle to drag themselves to work every day to provide for their family, who wish they could find something better. Or those who constantly feel the pressure that comes with providing for a family financially, emotionally, and spiritually,
I know of individuals who are dealing with constant physical pain, who just want some relief and individuals who have illnesses they will have to deal with their entire lives. Or family members with terminal cancer or other horrific diseases.
I know of individuals who suffer in sin. Who are trying desperately to change and do better. Who are dealing with addictions they just can’t seem to overcome, who wonder how to fix what they have broken and make amends. They wonder if they will ever be forgiven or if they will ever be able to forgive themselves.
And individuals who have questions about the church, who are trying to find answers, who have studied and prayed and can’t seem to find the peace they are hoping for. Who want to believe, but are just barely holding on to their faith.
I know of those who don’t feel pretty enough, or cool enough, or smart enough. They wonder why they have to have zits or bad hair days, who want to be included with the “popular” kids or just have friends at all. Or who are growing up in a time where temptation is coming at them in so many ways including through their cell phones. And growing up in a confusing time when what is wrong is considered right, and what is right is considered wrong.
And on top of all of that, we are all dealing with the large global matters, the high price of gas, inflation, wars, rumors of wars. The increased wickedness in the world. We are in an all out battle with Satan.
I could go on and on, life is hard. Take a look around at your brothers and sisters here today, and be kind. None of us are immune, we are all dealing with some kind of adversity.
If you are anything like me, sometimes in all our difficulties, we get so bogged down in the pain, the heartache, the stress, the fear, that we don’t see the greater picture. We forget to look up and remember that our loving Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ are aware of our troubles, cares and sorrows and are actually there helping us get through them.
As I was contemplating my talk, one of my favorite stories from the Old Testament came to mind, it is found in 2 Kings chapter 6.
In this chapter we are taught that the king of Syria was at war against Israel. I imagine this was a long, ongoing battle. The Syrian king would counsel with his servants telling them where to set their camp. At that time, the prophet on the earth was a man named Elisha. True to his calling, Elisha received guidance and gave direction and warning to the Israelites telling them, in verse 9: Beware that thou pass not such a place, for the Syrians are come down.” Being warned by the Prophet, The King of Israel would send servants to the place where Elisha told him not to go, and sure enough, the Syrians were there. The king followed the counsel of the Prophet which spared his life not once or twice, but every time he followed the counsel of the Prophet.
The king of Syria became frustrated. He wondered if there was a spy in his camp that was warning the Israelites of his plans. One of his servants pointed out that Elisha, the Prophet, was the one who was warning the Israelites, so the king decided to capture Elisha.
The King of Syria found out that Elisha was in the city of Dothan, so he sent “horses and chariots and a great host and they came by night and surrounded the city.
Now imagine a young man, the servant of Elisha. He gets up early in the morning, goes about his tasks, steps outside and sees that they are surrounded by horses and chariots and a large host of the Syrian army. I’m sure in great fear and anxiety, he warns Elisha and says, my master, what shall we do?
And Elisha answered him and said, “Fear not, for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.
I’m sure the young man was a bit confused seeing that they were just 2 against so many.
Then Elisha prayed and said, “Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man and he saw: and behold the mountain was full of horses and chariots round about Elisha. I imagine there was also a legion of angels along with those horses and chariots standing at the ready to fight for Elisha.
In this story we are taught a principle that we should never forget. The unseen presence of God and his help is real. If our eyes could be opened to see, we would realize that we are never alone in our trials and adversity. The Lord is with us, Heavenly help attends us. We must learn to trust the unseen, to rely on the certain presence of God’s help, even when our mortal eyes can’t comprehend it, and to believe that they that be with us are more than they that be with them.” Today, I pray that the Lord will help us open our eyes to see.
In October of 2008 Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk entitled the Ministry of Angels. In his talk he said, God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. He knows what we are facing, so he watches over us, listens to our heartfelt pleas, and sends Prophets to teach, counsel and guide us. “But in times of special need, he sent angels to bless His children, to reassure them that heaven was always very close, that his help was always very near. Usually such beings are not seen, sometimes they are, but seen or unseen they are always near. “Sometimes their assignments are very grand and have significance for the whole world. Sometimes the messages are more private. Occasionally the angelic purpose is to warn, but most often it is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention and guidance in difficult times.
I won’t pretend to know exactly how things run on the other side of the veil, but I like to imagine that we are each surrounded with angels, who are assigned specifically to watch over us. Maybe these angels are our relatives who have gone before. Maybe they are randomly assigned, one of my favorite thoughts is that each time I do the temple work for one of our sisters who has passed away, I am amassing a great army of angels to help support and protect my family.
Now, I don’t know if that is how it actually works, but I do know that divine assistance is real. We can trust that the Lord is with us.
I also know that God’s ways are not our ways. He has greater plans for us than we have for ourselves, and sometimes the way to get us to where he needs us to be is through adversity. We can trust in Him, and trust that all the difficulties we face will give us experience and be for our good.
This week I have thought a lot about the challenges I have faced in my life and how they turned for my good. To mention a few, I struggled with infertility for 6 long years. I felt strongly that there were spirits who were intended to be my children. Growing up I always thought that I would have 5, but wondered if they would ever come. The Lord knew what he was doing all along, but I wasn’t so sure. However, if I had had children of my own, I would have never considered adoption or had the beautiful privilege and opportunity of raising my two amazing daughters Alyssa, and Holly. We can trust his timing. When I married Ben, I inherited 3 step children. I got my 5 children without ever giving birth. And then I even got an extra bonus, at the age of 38, I became pregnant and was able to witness the miracle that is our youngest son.
Years ago, I suffered through 2 difficult marriages, and have been divorced twice. My difficult marriages made my marriage to Ben feel like I had won the lottery and was the luckiest girl alive! Sometimes the Lord lets us experience the bitter, so that we will more fully appreciate the sweet.
Adversity is also intended to strengthen our relationship with our Savior. After my first divorce, I moved in with my grandpa who was 91. It was a mutually beneficial situation because as a single mom of 2 two year-olds, my rent was free, and I was able to help him with the grocery shopping, cleaning, and provide him with some companionship. Not too long after we moved in, I met and several months later, married my second husband who moved in with us at my grandpa’s house so that I could continue caring for him. About 3 months after we were married, I received a phone call from the stake executive secretary. He said that the Stake President would like to meet with my grandpa the next night at 7pm. I hung up the phone and didn’t think anything of it. The next day, as I was out running errands, I got a text from my then husband telling me that marriage just wasn’t for him, that he and his friends would be at the house at 3pm to get his things. He wanted a divorce. Sure enough, he and his friends showed up, removed his things, and drove away as I sat there hugging my two 3 year old daughters and cried.
A few hours later there was a knock at the door. It was the stake president. I invited him in and showed him to where my grandpa was sitting and he invited me to stay and join them. He sat and talked to my grandpa for a while, asked how things were going, and then said he was confused, he said that the day before, as he knelt by his bed, he asked the Lord who needed his help and my grandpa’s name came strongly to his mind. There must have been some reason he had been sent there. Then he looked at me and asked me to tell him a little about me. I burst into tears as I explained that my new husband had just moved out and wanted a divorce. He looked directly into my eyes and said, “the Lord sent me here for you.” The stake president had never met me, he didn’t even know I existed and yet the Lord was able to guide him to my aid, on one of my darkest days. Before I even knew I was in trouble, the Lord had set in motion a way to let me know that he was there for me, that I was not alone. My trust that God knows me and what I am going through was strengthened tremendously that day.
Brothers and sisters, we can trust the Lord. I invite you to take some time to think back on the trials in your life and open your eyes to see the greater picture. To try to see how the Lord has been orchestrating divine support on your behalf. How he is guiding and directing your life and has been beside you through every trial. Your troubles and sorrows are very real, but they will not last forever.
Please remember that the Savior knows what you are going through, he’s been there. In Alma 7: 11-12 we read. And he (Christ) shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people. And he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy…that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
One final thought, the word succor comes from the Latin root succurrere meaning, to run to the rescue or to bring aid. When you are in the depths of despair, struggling with adversity, as you plead for relief or understanding, I hope your eyes will be open. That you will see the angels that are round about you bearing you up and imagine your loving brother and savior, Jesus Christ running to your rescue, running to your aid. Although you don’t see them. They are there.
I testify, ITNOJCA
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